Saturday, April, 25 – Letting Go of Bad Habits, Holding Onto Hope


This week has been rough. Despite being given all of the tools, I still manage to be failing at several things at once. Two steps forward and only one back is still progress. Over the weekend locally, we saw people protesting public health mitigation measures. A few beach towns near me took to the streets to protest; at first, this seemed crazy, right? We’ve been home a little over a month. Surely another month won’t kill more people than it saves, right? But even I’m getting a little yearning in my heart to socialize in public, and I love being a homebody. It appeared that people near me were mostly okay with the measures being taken. However, I feel the major issue arises when you can’t even file for the social safety nets we have in place due to the constant maxed out capacity. Most of my friends are on 6 weeks now of waiting to even see if they will receive anything. I don’t blame anyone for being extremely afraid, angry, or willing to work immediately in the face of losing all they have. I don’t think we should end social distancing measures anytime soon. Try again next year.

My mother a government employee hard at work at her kitchen table in her favorite sweatshirt

That’s okay, a little rearrangement of priorities has been in order lately. I quit smoking over the past month, and I’m rounding out my fourth week as a non-smoker. A horrible habit I clung to at every single sign of stress, I hope it becomes a long-forgotten friend sooner than later. With the virus numbers climbing, I found myself chain-smoking more than I ever had in my life. I had been gearing up to quit, in the form of asking friends who have stopped, downloading self-help books, and researching smoking succession techniques. But there were many factors why I quit smoking this time. The first being for myself and my health. I tried stopping once before years ago due to someone else’s health when my dad was diagnosed with lung cancer, and that level of guilt didn’t even work. I continued smoking. I quit this time, for my continued health. I already had developed a smokers’ cough after starting young (14).

Surprisingly, not a windows screensaver, this is the wilderness reserve behind Camp Pendelton

I quit smoking because of COVID.

I hated the thought of the treatment thus far of my lungs would inevitably end up with me on a ventilator and unable to care for my terrified family. In that same area, I hated the thought of taking a ventilator away from someone who never smoked in their life, because I’m younger and appear healthy. Or some doctors’ time up because I couldn’t fight off sickness at home. These are the things that keep me up at night.

Surprisingly, not a windows screensaver, this is the wilderness reserve behind Camp Pendelton

Speaking of stressful things, I also never imagined I’d be planning a wedding in the mists of a pandemic. Even though it is still months away, I’m already fielding questions and having to start to prepare in a way I never imagined. Instead of being some bridezilla, obsessed with the details leading up to “the day,” I’m merely hoping family makes it out alive. I wouldn’t mind getting some deposits back.

A wedding just seems completely trivial now. The fact that if I ended up in the hospital between now and then, my partner of 12 years has no legal right to see me has crossed my mind a few times. That breaks my heart. I’m all about the dramatic, overblown that comes with a wedding. Vowing long ago to never do a courthouse or wedding out of lowest cost or simplicity, live your best life attitude! We’ve been planning and saving for years. Now, I’m just hoping we can get legally married as soon as possible. My beautiful dress can wait, I need my rock of a partner most. I want to marry my fiancĂ© finally after knowing him over half my life.

Veggies grown from seed and scraps

The second this quarantine is lifted, much to my family’s dismay, we might just go to Vegas and have a drive-through wedding. He does really love Elvis.